walang kasama

When you sign up for Peace Corps, they go all out to prepare you. You are in training for months. You learn the language, you go on cultural "outings", you meet the important members of your community. They tell you to get used to being stared at, that you should expect to field overly-personal questions, to remember to take your malaria pills and sleep under your mosquito net. They tell you that most people get sick at some point with one of the many parasites that lurk in the water and food. They tell you its a roller coaster, that you will have good days and bad, and that you should just roll with it. They tell you that things move at a much slower pace, and that you need to adjust to their speed. They warn you to stay far away from Mindanao and other certain "black areas", as they are unsafe due to Islamic radicals. They tell you how important it is to stay hydrated, especially in the summer months. They tell you that 27 months will, in fact, go by quickly. They never once mention how lonely you will get.
That's what i am going through right now. Everything has fallen into place except for this one area. It's incredible how lonely you can feel even when you are surrounded by people. That's the thing - the people I'm surrounded by are not people I feel deeply connected to. I mean sure, we have our daily mundane exchanges about the rain, the heat, that fact that I'm walking to work, whether I have taken my breakfast yet, etc. but its not like a connection you have with close friends or family. It's not as fulfilling as the friends you can communicate with through a knowing glance, a facial expression, an inside joke, a sarcastic comment. It's not that I don't want that with a local...I very much do, and I very much tried, but it just didn't happen. You cant force a connection. You get someone or you don't. And I am exhausted. Is it too early to throw in the towel? Maybe. I beat myself up because I feel like I should be making more of an effort in this department. But like I said, I am tired of trying and getting nowhere. I have several peace corps friends who I do have this kind of connection with, and I value these friendships more than I could possibly express. My American friends here have kept me (somewhat) sane.
I have always enjoyed my solitude...in small doses. But here, its like a lifetime worth of being all by your lonesome, rolled into a two-year span. Its a bit much. Independence is not something that's encouraged or valued in this culture. So everyone thinks i am a freak. The fact that i live alone ("walang kasama")is so crazy to them..."but aren't you scared? aren't you lonely?" Because no filipino would EVER choose to live alone. Young adults get married and continue to live with their parents, without even considering that they might like some newlywed "alone time". Families do everything together. They would never go anywhere alone, even if its just to the market, let alone all the way to MANILA(gasp)walang kasama. I think they look at me with pity when they see me walking all over town by myself. I am tired of trying to explain how in the states, its perfectly normal to do everyday activities walang kasama. Just as I don't understand wanting to sleep all snuggled together on the floor with my family like sardines as a woman in my 30's, they don't understand the enjoyment I find in coming home to a relaxing, quiet, empty apartment, reading a book, doing some yoga, and going to sleep.
So I'm trying to figure out if this is what cultural exchange is supposed to be. They see how I live, they understand (i think) that being independent is part of my American culture, but it doesn't mean they want to be like that. Just as i see how they eat rice 3 times a day, burn their garbage, and have codependent relationships doesnt mean i want to. Is that a true exchange? I could probably live here for 20 more years and still not know.